This is just a note for myself:

28 September 2023

Im on my period pain. Syahmi brings the kids to playground which like 3/4 min away walks from home. He literally left the kids there and comeback home just to get his bloody phone!. My kids only 2 yrs old and 5 yrs old. Do the kids have sense to take care themself? NO! Syahmi also dunno anyone in this neighborhood....

Weeks on 2 Oct.

I asked my husband " Do you believe if Allah wants to reveal the truth , it could be at any moment". Hes nodding and said yes. He actually no idea that i have discovered his secret emails with alot of pornography. Started from there, i also doubt him. I have a feeling that hes cheating on me. I asked him whether he stills keep all those thing. He said no and even he even swore in the name of Allah about it. I laugh and said so you still wanna lie about this?.. He stop from playing games and ask me wht exactly I want . I said I want you to be truth and yet you still lied. It breaks my heart. From that I felt uneasy and feel something is off. 

Some context:

After giving birth to Eusuff, I stop from go through his phone because he swore that he going to changes. Its a miserable life, we keep arguing. Our marriage didnt have the feel of sakinah, mawaddah and all. No tranquility at all.

I try to find Allah, I even got GAD. Syahmi is not supportive. I felt like i lost myself. I am the one who struggling to raise up the kids. He only support financially but not even fully. I lost libido, I lost my interest to smile, i keep fearing death like it could come any second. I even go to psycatrist but syahmi not agreed to it as he said the location is too far in Shah Alam. I still with my decision to go because I feel that I need to healed myself otherwise how am I going to handle my kids.

I feel burden whenever he comes home. Some sort of expecation. He said my anxiety is nothing but due to my overthinking. Im quite sad. Im own husband said that. 

I ask my husband to find second wife. but he said he dont want. He wont do that as its hard to handle one, the another one would be troublesome.

11th October 2023

Early in morning, My Mil call me and she said shes infront of  Multazam. I ask Allah for guidance and clue for me to move on and make a call. As I want to packed for my kids as  a preparation to go Umrah. I discover another dark secret of my husband. He left his previous phone on the luggage, He didnt notice that in the phone got a picture and a whatsapp traces left behind. Eventually I got to open it and read some of the conversation between him and a girl name An. He even bought her things and he do the Haram things like drinking which I never expect. I felt the tremble. He cheated on me. Cheated on the kids. I felt so broken, betrayed, and feel sad in the same time for the kids. He walks & stomp all over my heart. I never thought that this would be the chapter of my life that I have to deal with. All the while, hes been playing innocent always make me feel down and feel bad about myself. I feel stupid as I allow him to manipulate me, all these years. All this while ive been tolerate with his shit. 

He always said that I changed, He want his wife back. Sometimes I lose patient coz I felt that, i have put alot of this effort in the marriage but he still didnt change. I have 2 kids and even he is the husband. He doesnt play the husband role and I felt that I have to baby sit 3 children.

I will take a stand for myself. I wont tolerate this anymore.I want to move on. I will move on and wont look back. i will be strong InshaAllah.

This is just a note for myself:

28 September 2023

Im on my period pain. Syahmi brings the kids to playground which like 3/4 min away walks from home. He literally left the kids there and comeback home just to get his bloody phone!. My kids only 2 yrs old and 5 yrs old. Do the kids have sense to take care themself? NO! Syahmi also dunno anyone in this neighborhood....

Weeks on 2 Oct.

I asked my husband " Do you believe if Allah wants to reveal the truth , it could be at any moment". Hes nodding and said yes. He actually no idea that i have discovered his secret emails with alot of pornography. Started from there, i also doubt him. I have a feeling that hes cheating on me. I asked him whether he stills keep all those thing. He said no and even he even swore in the name of Allah about it. I laugh and said so you still wanna lie about this?.. He stop from playing games and ask me wht exactly I want . I said I want you to be truth and yet you still lied. It breaks my heart. From that I felt uneasy and feel something is off. 

Some context:

After giving birth to Eusuff, I stop from go through his phone because he swore that he going to changes. Its a miserable life, we keep arguing. Our marriage didnt have the feel of sakinah, mawaddah and all. No tranquility at all.

I try to find Allah, I even got GAD. Syahmi is not supportive. I felt like i lost myself. I am the one who struggling to raise up the kids. He only support financially but not even fully. I lost libido, I lost my interest to smile, i keep fearing death like it could come any second. I even go to psycatrist but syahmi not agreed to it as he said the location is too far in Shah Alam. I still with my decision to go because I feel that I need to healed myself otherwise how am I going to handle my kids.

I feel burden whenever he comes home. Some sort of expecation. He said my anxiety is nothing but due to my overthinking. Im quite sad. Im own husband said that. 

I ask my husband to find second wife. but he said he dont want. He wont do that as its hard to handle one, the another one would be troublesome.

11th October 2023

Early in morning, My Mil call me and she said shes infront of  Multazam. I ask Allah for guidance and clue for me to move on and make a call. As I want to packed for my kids as  a preparation to go Umrah. I discover another dark secret of my husband. He left his previous phone on the luggage, He didnt notice that in the phone got a picture and a whatsapp traces left behind. Eventually I got to open it and read some of the conversation between him and a girl name An. He even bought her things and he do the Haram things like drinking which I never expect. I felt the tremble. He cheated on me. Cheated on the kids. I felt so broken, betrayed, and feel sad in the same time for the kids. He walks & stomp all over my heart. I never thought that this would be the chapter of my life that I have to deal with. All the while, hes been playing innocent always make me feel down and feel bad about myself. I feel stupid as I allow him to manipulate me, all these years. All this while ive been tolerate with his shit. 

He always said that I changed, He want his wife back. Sometimes I lose patient coz I felt that, i have put alot of this effort in the marriage but he still didnt change. I have 2 kids and even he is the husband. He doesnt play the husband role and I felt that I have to baby sit 3 children.

I will take a stand for myself. I wont tolerate this anymore.I want to move on. I will move on and wont look back. i will be strong InshaAllah.